Forget cheaper tickets, Tintin and star directors - as Sex & Zen 3D has shown, Chinese sex films hold the key to 3D's future
Right now, 3D needs a saviour. What began as a dream to offer audiences the most breathtakingly immersive cinematic experience possible has quickly become little more than a cynical Hollywood smash and grab. Now, tired of all the headaches and murkiness that shoddy post-conversion 3D films offer, cinemagoers have started to turn away.
Why wouldn't they? After all, it was 3D that encouraged Michael Bay to make Transformers 3. It was 3D that's encouraged Martin Scorsese to make Hugo, a film that appears to be about Borat falling over a lot. Next month sees the US release of something called Glee Live! In 3D! There's quite a strong case to call 3D the worst thing ever. It desperately needs a saviour, but what could it be?
Funny you should ask. September sees the UK theatrical release of 3D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy, a Chinese historical drama that might just rescue 3D from utter annihilation. The facts speak for themselves. In Hong Kong, it outgrossed both Avatar and Titanic. In Australia, where it was only shown on six screens, it took over a million dollars. With such powerful box office heft, it's not difficult to imagine 3D Sex and Zen conquering the world and propelling the entire medium into a better and brighter future.
So what's the secret behind the film's remarkable popularity? The plush production values? The fact that it's an adaptation of an acclaimed 350-year-old Chinese novel? Possibly. Or maybe it's the woman called the elder of ultimate bliss, who has a man's voice and can lift wheels and attack people with her sentient-seeming 15-foot penis. Or the scene that takes place somewhere called the temple of ultimate bliss, where the prince of Ning has startlingly enthusiastic intercourse with a woman. With his four-foot willy. While suspended above the ground on a chain that's shackled to a giant stone statue of a penis. It may even be the scene where a severed horse penis cartwheels through the air - directly at the camera - and then gets crushed beneath a wheelchair.
And that pretty much sums up where 3D has been going wrong all this time - however good the films are, they're not ridiculous Chinese 3D sex films. Look at Avatar, a movie where two characters make love by standing in a field and tying their hair together. Would it have maintained its Hong Kong box-office dominance if, like in Sex and Zen, the hair-tying was replaced by an interminable montage of Jake Sully repeatedly suffering from premature ejaculation? Possibly.
Would Green Lantern have enjoyed better grosses if, like Sex and Zen, it included a scene where Ryan Reynolds clenches a penis between his teeth and plays tug of war with it against a dog? Probably. And would Mars Needs Moms be any more fondly remembered if, like Sex and Zen, one of its principal cast members had previously starred in films called Super Gorgeous Massage Girl Special and Hey, What Particular Woman Who Is Wearing Clothes Do You Like? Indisputably.
So forget lowering ticket prices. Forget hoping that Tintin will rescue the medium. Forget waiting for directors like Christopher Nolan to get on board. If anything is going to be 3D's saviour, it's even more ridiculous Chinese sex films like 3D Sex and Zen. The future's bright. The future's going to have a lot of animal penises in it.
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Source: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/filmblog/2011/jul/28/3d-saviour-sex-and-zen
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